The underlying psychology behind people pleasing is a fear of what may happen if you don’t make people happy, or if you assert yourself. This part may be 1)afraid of rejection/abandonment 2)afraid of not being appreciated or cared for 3)afraid of being criticized, yelled at, or hit. Your people pleasing part may be trying to gain a certain positive connection with people, attempting to get attention, acceptance, appreciation, caring, or love from someone by pleasing them.

When the people-pleaser part is triggered, you try to make the other person happy, you may even try to be who you think someone wants you to be, and agree with their beliefs. You may try to make yourself think, feel, and want the same things as the other person — even if it doesn’t reflect your true feelings. In a relationship, a part of you may be trying to “merge” with your partner, acting the same as he/she/they do.

This part is unconscious for many, but a key element is ignoring one’s own opinions, feelings, and needs, or distorting them so they resemble the same as your partners. You defer to their preferences without quite realizing you’re doing so. Sometimes going far out of your way to please others, to the extent of sacrificing your own needs or boundaries. You may know what you want, but the people-pleaser part may be afraid to ask for it, for fear of people being angry with you.

If you consider your own opinions and feelings and you truly agree with someone, that is not being a people pleaser. It’s important to distinguish between a situation which you genuinely agree with someone, and those in which you go along with, without even considering what you think or want. There’s nothing wrong with making other people happy, in fact, it’s a wonderful quality, but there’s a problem if you do so without even considering what would make you happy, or doing so at your own expense. When it comes from an underlying fear, or attempts to get care and appreciation, that is a distinguishable difference. If you find yourself sacrificing your own well-being in a “loving gesture” often, you probably have a people pleasing pattern.

This part may accept other people’s perceptions of you, without considering if these perceptions are even accurate!

Get to know this part, and find out what it is protecting you from by being pleasing, and what would happen if it allowed you to assert yourself. The deeper healing will go into what happened in childhood to cause it hurt and abandonment, this will allow you to reparent this wounded part. With the help of a therapist (ideally IFS ;), this part will be willing to relax and allow you to be assertive.

*Collected notes and studies from Internal Family Systems (IFS)