I heard someone say on a podcast that Adam and Eve were not kicked out of the garden of Eden, but that they “forced themselves out.”

After they ate the forbidden fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge, they knew of their own humanness, of Good and Evil, and they no longer felt worthy, or deserving to be in the garden anymore, so they sabotaged themselves.

Being a therapist, and also being on one’s own journey of healing — is an uphill battle. That’s the theme for this months story.

I sat at the bar in Logan Square, like I usually do on Friday night. “Bob,” the bartender came in a few min after I got there, Hi Bob! I tried to say hi from a few feet away, but Bob couldn’t hear me. Bob finally saw me, “Rachel! I didn’t recognize you, you look like a wet dog!” Well, ya know, Some days are just wet dog days, and I felt pleased with myself because my personality took no offense to that statement. Bob is a straight-forward person, and I appreciate that.

(the names in this story have been changed)

I have a client, “Patrice” (I named her after Patrice Rushun, American jazz pianist), who came in today, fearful that her and her boyfriend have different sex drives. “I’m afraid to be trapped in a relationship. What if I’m just not-monogamous?”

Well, then you don’t have to fully commit. We laughed.

“I want him to be more passionate, rough with me. He’s soft, respectful, and I love that, but I fear I’m not going to get all my needs met. And there’s this guy who I know has a crush on me, and he invited me to this concert in NYC, and I’m thinking of going…

How have you communicated about it?

“We’ve talked about it a few times, and I told him what I wanted”

Whenever someone tells me they “communicated about it”I am (pause for effect) unconvinced. What I’ve learned is that we suck at communicating. All of us.

Especially those of us who consider ourselves to be people pleasers, do we have any of those in the house? Anyone who’s conflict avoidant, has a hard time stating their needs, asking for anything that perceivably inconveniences another person? It’s almost a guarantee that you have “tip-toed” around what you need, (this could be an entire topic in and of itself).

“I want you to respect me less” is the message that she gave to her partner, which of course, left him feeling confused. We laughed out loud together.

Do you ever consider what it’s like for him, knowing that you were assaulted? And you asking him to grab your neck, throw you against the wall, and fuck you? I think what you meant to say is, I feel safe enough with you to be dominated.

And then I asked her, Do you think you may be unconsciously not allowing him to meet needs? What do you fear would happen if you were really clear about your needs are?

She thought about it…

“Omg, that he would meet them, and I’m not as good as he is, I don’t deserve him. Actually, once a month I almost break up with this guy…”

She tries to throw herself out of the garden. Sabotage the relationship in a number of ways, because deep down she feels undeserving, creating a situation where it’s somewhat impossible for him to meet her needs. It’s not fully conscious, the uphill battle is helping people understand that we were growing up, we developed this “software system,” based on everything going on in our environment at the time. The system understands that in this environment, I’m not going to get my needs met, or I’m not going to be given autonomy, respect, love, etc — so the system corresponds to what’s happening at the time, and develops a protection system, and beliefs about itself and the world. Even though we grow up and move out, the software that developed at 2, 7, or 14 years old is still operating, unaware of how old we are, and still carrying the same thoughts and beliefs, trying to protect/manage whatever we had to at the time.

“I want you to respect me less” = I want you to correspond and match what my software system, (developed decades ago), still believes. “This does not compute! I’m going to be disrespected/devalued, and made to feel empty. That’s what I think I deserve. I need to kick myself out of the garden, before this respectful man who loves me leaves me.”

I could relate to Patrice. I’ve dated men who were emotionally vulnerable, who I knew wouldn’t be able to meet my needs, because my old software wasn’t convinced that anyone I loved would stick around. It came down to, “I don’t trust I’m going to be loved 100 percent.”

It felt especially satisfying to watch her short circuit the process before it went too far, before she loses someone she can’t get back. I was proud of her.

My next client, “Greta”, arrived at the first session incredibly anxious, pacing around the room and not able to sit down. I spoke directly to her anxiety, “hello Anxiety, welcome. I can see that you’re very unsettled, and that’s ok, you can pace around as long as you like.”

She was able to calm down and take a seat. “In 8th grade I started to skip lunch, but then, when I was a sophomore in high school, I started to make myself throw up. I’ve never told anyone that. I’m here for bulimia.

How much shame do you carry around this?

“So much.”

I fight an uphill battle against shame every day. And what helps is knowing that for anything out of sorts in our lives, the only reason it exists is to protect or maintain something in our system. So I ask people, what would the positive intention of that behavior be? In Greta’s case it would be the restricting and purging. The first response is usually the same, “there is none, I hate this part of myself” But asking again, “well, the positive intention would be, in order to be seen and loved, I need to restrict what i’m eating. I won’t be worthy or wanted if I don’t pay attention to it. And when the rubber band snaps, the bulimic part comes in, and its positive intention is, this needs to be corrected, I can make this go away.”

Everything we do, no matter how destructive the means are, is in an effort not to be abandoned, rejected, humiliated, betrayed, or taken advantage of.

I will admit I get satisfaction from people’s responses when I ask, (and I’m wondering if it’s wrong?), what is it about you that is “unloveable? and not one client in 6 years could ever give me an actual fact, with valid evidence as to why they are not worthy of being in the garden. The typical response is, “I don’t know” (my favorite), or “that’s what I was told, or shown that in so many ways.” It only becomes true because we believe it, and that belief gets reinforced by the situations we have within our jobs and relationships. When you dive head first into what you’re most afraid of, what you’ll find is a small child, dressed up as an adult, operating on very outdated software.