I’m at actually dinner with myself right now, “table for one?” Yes please, thanks. Some people feel weird about that, or so they tell me. I was at this group dinner a while back, and someone at the table said, “it makes me really sad when I see someone sitting alone at a restaurant…”

Well, unless they’re looking noticeably uncomfortable and miserable (tiny-violin tears), to me, it seems like a projection of their own struggle, and or discomfort being in the presence of their own company, especially in public. I don’t believe anyone is judging you, thinks you look weird, or even notices you like that.

I went to a wedding by myself — this was a couples years ago, and I didn’t know anyone besides the bride and groom. During the cocktail hour people were talking, mingling — this and that, and I was just standing there alone, meandering. I remember some initial feelings of awkwardness, thinking to myself, “Rachel you look strange standing here by yourself, etc…” but then I just relaxed into my body, eventually realizing that no one’s paying attention to me, other than me — cool. I took on the role of an observer, just observing this and that, and after some time, people just came up to me, or when the moment presented itself, I introduced myself.

I take myself out to bars, restaurants, parks, comedy clubs, and coffee shops all the time — to write, draw, or just read a book. I’ll find anything, napkins, coasters, receipts— got a whole collection of em’ at home. I also go through these spurts where I take myself out dancing, in Manhattan it was ACME, (back when Patrick was working the door), and he’d let me right in, past the crowd of mouth-breathers. Here in Chicago it’s The Whistler on Milwaukee, a couple months ago I asked the bouncer if I’ve earned the privilege to cut the line, he said “yes,” but I haven’t been in a while, wonder if that still stands? Either way, my hips worked for that, hah.

It’s absolutely gorgeous out here today, perfect Sunday in Chicago. I got my notebook, and my favorite pen, it’s a 0.38mm ball-point, with a cat named “Baby Mikey” on it that says, “he thinks he is the king of everything, & he is quite pleased with himself.” They’re made in Japan, but you can buy em’ on Amazon, like everything else, I’ve been thinking about boycotting amazon for some time… so far I have not been successful. Anyways, everyone’s out n’ about today, couples holding hands, couples holding hands with their toddlers, who I always say are “half-fairy/half human”, because their reality still embraces magic, where anything is possible — that is, of course, before the world gets in. I loathe that the world “adulterates” us, what ever happened to magic?! I still believe in magic, life’s more fun that way, I have a lot more to say on the subject of magic…

People tend to smile at me when I’m writing by myself, a gentle nod here and there, not necessarily needed, but definitely welcomed. I suppose there’s some kind of resonance, some unspoken, shared tenderness between strangers, and when I’m out dancing people will ask me, “did you come here by yourself? Really? That’s so cool…” which I get, it’s a bit unusual. “Oh, wow, you’re really just here to dance” Yeah. Yes. Gotta shake the hips out, break it down in a contained environment, and then I’ll head home, by myself, clothes drenched in sweat — pretty straightforward operation.

I genuinely enjoy being alone, but no one likes being alone when they’d rather not be, I certainly don’t, but it’s not always a choice, sometimes no one is around and I’m forced to be alone. I just got up to use the restroom, and while I was in there I thought to myself, “the loneliness will pass,” yeah, that’s true, it always does. I’m not sure where you stand on all this, but I’d rather hang out by myself than hang out with someone just because they’re there, you know what I mean? I think your friends should be people that raise your consciousness, not drain or diminish it.

As people, we’ll pretty much do anything to avoid the feeling of being lonely, which makes sense, because humans are built for companionship, but if you’re like me, the universe has isolated you to work on yourself, so you can enjoy the presence of your own company, and enjoy the presence of — what I feel to be something sacred, something divine…I don’t want to say God, because I think we need a new word for God, but I just said God twice, three times! lol.

With practice, and time, I’ve gotten much better at embracing the feelings that come with loneliness. Sitting with the darkness instead of masking it, I’ll even go so far as to imagine myself “being alone for the rest of my life”, which is unlikely, but I let myself feel that pain, as it paradoxically provides a sense of relief.

When they say, “you’re never really alone,” I really do believe that. Whatever it is, you can find it— that companionship with your own being, and to the universe itself.

Ok, done with this for now, see you soon!