The first thing that came to mind when I started to write about Saturday in the Park, is how lonely, and disappointed I used to feel on Saturdays, I think I liked the weekdays better, because everyone’s on the same page, it’s work, or some sort of predictable routine, but we’re all in it together. Saturdays are free, and fun and I was just lonely, for a lot of em.

In 2019 I wrote a short story called “Saturdays are the worst”, and the only reason I kept it is because it was so God awful that it was almost kinda good.

The best thing I thought to do on a Saturday was to go to the park, first the coffee shop, and then the park, with my foldable picnic blanket that zipped into a purse. It was free for incoming attorneys at the firm I worked for, and I thought it was really ugly. I never thought I’d use it, but I use it all the time.

I would take it to the park and lay there for hours, just grazin’ , I call that being a “park grazer,” watching couples make out in the grass, and I call that “hot love in the grass.” I think I invented the word park grazer because I can’t find it anywhere on the internet. It’s like being a cow, or a sheep, feeding on the grass, but a human.

“People laughing, people smiling, a real celebration”. It’s not so bad at the park, I just really wished and hoped that someone would approach me. I thought I looked pretty cute with all my books and “transformer picnic blanket,” like, hello? Have you seen this thing?

“NEED TRANSITION” (reads out loud)

“I am transitioning”

It was Sunday, May 19th and I had just shared a story at the Epiphany Arts Center, another Maureen Muldoon Production, “ANOTHA ONE-( DJ Khalid voice) and my boyfriend, saw me speak for the first time that day. Afterwards we went back to my apt, then we decided to go to the park, which was actually just a patch of grass along Logan boulevard, (pause), with my transformer picnic blanket, (pause), which isn’t actually true, I wanted to bring my transformer picnic blanket, but I couldn’t get to it because it was buried in a pile of crap I shoved in the back of my apartment that no one can see.

That day he could not keep his hands off me, and I’m thinking to myself, wow, my story must’ve been way better than I thought… We were doin a lil hot love on the grass! I was listening to Augie tell me about the Aleutian Islands, a place that is known as the birthplace of the winds. It spans the globe from Alaska to western Russia, dividing the North Pacific Ocean from the Bering Sea . It’s a place that is known to be the cradle of the storms because of the beautiful raw land, and its people who have endured wave after wave of invaders and unpredictable climate. It’s the only place in the US that’s been invaded by another country. And apparently there are reindeer on the island.

I felt so much pleasure and wonder listening to him speak about this mysterious island. Like there’s more that he knows that he hasn’t told me, and places he’s been that I haven’t discovered yet

Whenever anyone speaks about ANYTHING with that much passion and gusto, it becomes interesting,(pause), like this one time, he talked about swamps for what seemed like an hour (pause), SWAMPS. But the level of excitement he has about wet, spongy lands is… wow, I am very attracted to you in this moment — — shockingly.

I don’t really want to admit that he may be the reason for my absence of Saturday loathing, because I don’t want to abandon the other lonely souls who struggle on Saturdays, but I realized that *Sunday in the park, that I haven’t felt lonely in a while now.

(Sings) “And I’ve been waiting such a long time, for today”

What I didn’t realize on that fine day, was that I became pregnant. We think it was that day, we’re not 100 percent sure, but for the story it’s close enough. I found out until a month later, when my period “went missing.” So I took a pregnancy test, but I accidentally peed all over it, and you’re not supposed to do that, so when it came back positive I thought, surely that was a mistake test.

I went back to Walgreens and took about 100 more, all of which were positive. I felt strangely calm. But woah. I told my boyfriend, and we cried, and we hugged

I’ve known my boyfriend’s family for a long time, because his sister and I went to highschool together, and she’s just the coolest, but we had only been dating for a few months. Neither of us were ready or prepared, and even more concerning was that my boyfriend’s favorite name for a boy is Ignatius. Short for Iggy, which is cute, but Ignatius? Why don’t we just name him Alexander the Great, or maybe Thor?

(Pause)

We had to make a decision, and though we had doubts, ultimately we decided to keep the baby. And after we decided — — “a real celebration , waiting for us all.”

It had only been seven weeks when I went in for my second sonogram, my boyfriend and I drove from his family’s house in Wisconsin to the doctor in Evanston. I sat down on the table and the ultrasound technician took the jellied up rod and slid it into my baby makin’ entry parts

“I’m sorry, your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat today”, just like that. Technology is very cool these days, they can see everything. We sat there in silence, then we cried, and we hugged. Noob over here learned that this is far more common than anyone dares to talk about. Which was very helpful to hear, but i’m just continuously amazed that people aren’t lining up around the block to talk about miscarriages…(?!) Blows my mind, but, more stage time for me.

“Listen children all is not lost — all is not lost, oh no, no”

There is so much more going on — -(pause) beyond what we can see in the physical world. What I’ve learned from my teachers is that from the soul’s perspective, the soul of a baby looks for the perfect parents to awaken its correction, and by correction, I mean the special set of fears and insecurities we all have. And we are meant to overcome and transform these corrections in our lifetime.

In the case of a miscarriage — whatever we gave to the soul of this baby may have been what it needed to finish its correction, even in such a short period of time. Or the soul of our baby was not ready to be with us. Maybe it will come back, or maybe it won’t.

After the appointment, my boyfriend and I drove back to Wisconsin, where his family was still throwing their annual 4th of July weekend party, it’s the best. “Eh Campari, ci vo Simari.” I translated those lyrics from the song, and they mean, “hey buddies, what music are you playing?” (Pause), none. We didn’t play any music on the way home, we just held hands in silence.

I lost my baby — “but Listen children all is not lost — all is not lost, oh no, no.”

My boyfriend’s family is a little big, huge, and when we pulled into the driveway, they all gave me a big hug. And I cried some more, and hugged some more. And then, I ate some chips. I was surrounded by love, and I was sure it was the 4th of July. People were dancing, mostly 3 yr old Morrison, who was twirling her cute lil dress around. People were laughing, even me. And there was a man selling ice cream, well, kindof. Actually, it was a bunch of hot young college girls in plaid mini skirts serving custard at the local drive-in. I wish it was just an old man, but ya no, whatever. We weren’t singing Italian songs, because we were singing American songs on a porch swinging sofa.

They say that from the ages 0–3, everything about the baby is for the sake of the parents, and for the growth of that couple. So what has this little soul taught us? And what has it woke us up to? I’m not sure of that yet. The meaning of it all is still sorting itself out. But I’m very certain that it will. I would like to dedicate this piece to the soul of my baby, and to the soul of anyone else’s baby who is here tonight and can relate. We hope you are listening, and know how much you are loved, thank you Baby.