When I was eighteen years old, I went to Books on Vernon in town, to get some books on quotes — this was for our senior yearbook quote, and I spent hours looking through them, and just ended up finding one on the internet that said, “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” — That was Eleanor Roosevelt.

During the pandemic, I left my job, recklessly. I was in a relationship but I couldn’t commit, and I hurt people, I hurt myself. My relationship with my mother was confusing and volatile, I felt like I was eighteen again. I was twenty-eight years old, watching myself sitting in the corner of my kitchen, past the window so my neighbors couldn’t see me, shoving Talenti gelato, Ben & Jerries, Frosted Mini-Wheats, some left-over candy I used to give to clients, and anything else that would fit down my throat, I was falling back into a disorder I worked hard to get out of. I was taking my focus-medication outside what was prescribed, to control my body, and my mood, which became unbearable on the come-down (for anyone who’s taken adderall, you know that miserable come-down), so the weed helped with the medication, I was smoking weed more as a lifestyle than in moderation…

I was denying aspects of my own reality for a long time. But I was still going to work, getting stuff done, studying, practicing spirituality, and in many ways things were OK, and great at times.

I think that first, pain will tap lightly, and then it’ll knock, and then it will hit you over the head with a sauce-pan to get you to change. I do not suggest the sauce-pan, but that’s what I got.

I felt embarrassed — I was angry at myself, condemning myself. Many days, and nights, exhausted, crying in my apartment, in disbelief, And ruminating! Replaying the same scenario in my mind over and over again, a fantasy land where I made a different decision.

After the sauce-pan knocked me out, I said to myself, “ok, I’m still a therapist, but I work for the Light Force of the Creator now”…my business is SOULJEDI and that’s all I know for now. That was April of 2021, and that’s when I started over.

I had to look at everything, WHY? Why am I in this place of pain, why did I make these mistakes, and what is the purpose? The journey began with cleansing my own soul. In my heart, I believe that everything we go through has a purpose — especially the painful, confusing, negative ones. In my spiritual teachings we call this is Soul’s Correction, we all come into this world with our own special package of garbage we must transform and correct. Certain situations, families, challenges, difficult moments, to cleanse the out negativity from the soul.

Where, and how I want to live changed, how I treated my body changed, how I spend and think about money changed, they way I look at men changed…I’m writing articles, I’m performing comedy, I’m speaking about the Light Force of the Creator on stage, right now! (reading this out-loud at VoiceBox theatre). Weed is cool, but I’m cooler without it;) I’m actually doing what I yearned to do before the saucepan (I’m using the saucepan more than I expected, but its a poignant saucepan, lol). Oh yes, and I’m going to work a permaculture farm!(agricultural ecosystems that are self-sufficient and sustainable).

The soul is whole, it can’t be broken, but if part of your personality weren’t broken in some way, there would be nothing to reach for, the soul is giving, sharing, and an endless force of goodness. It wants to know itself, it wants to know its nature, it wants to know its own power within you — and for you to know IT.

I was not as whole as I thought. Broken in some ways, and that’s OK, to be a human. I think what it boils down to is my lack of affinity (in certain areas) with the qualities of the Light Force, The creator, God, The universe, Mother Gia, Jesus, Tom Brady, whatever … that I experienced the sauce-pan. These were just areas, that my soul said to me, this is not working, we to need to level up, because I have something better for you — trust me. I’m sorry I had to use the sauce-pan…

I get that not everyone’s into Spirituality, but I think every life IS spiritual, because the universal principles of the universe apply to everyone, no matter if you agree, or disagree, or just want to watch football. That being said, no-body really knows for sure. I just like that the placebo is the most miss-understood phenomenon in science, and the power of the mind is freakishly-cool.

There are thousands of things to know, but my spiritual teachers simplify it, they say, focus on sharing, and certainty. Sharing and certainty. Because the dark thoughts come to me everyday “this isn’t good enough, you’re never going to make any money, bla bla bla, and the temptation to respond, or act out in ways I did in the past are available.

The same fears exist, but i’m not responding the same way, and that’s how you know. I think it’s a re-remembing process, of what you already knew, that this force of love is exists, and it has your back.

There was one particular day, where the only thing I could do was lie in bed, this was all day and night, JUST paralyzed. I said to myself over and over again, “this is perfect for me, this is going to pass, this is perfect for me, this is going to pass.” I refrained from the fear, the lack, and the doubt, I was just going to be the light, however small it felt. That day was a success. I had certainty then, and I’m sharing it with you now, 1000 points for the light force!

Those moments I mentioned earlier, when I was ruminating, replaying the same scenario in my mind over and over again, agonizing over not making a different decision — and the worst one being, “I lost my soul-mate and I’ll never meet anyone as special” — those were painful moments that led me to ask myself, do you actually want to live, and be what you believe? All this stuff about the Light Force of the Creator… Because I realized, not wanting to accept where I was, was LIKE saying “I’m not sure the Light Force of the Creator wants what’s best for me… Or that I don’t really believe the Light Force of the Creator has my best interest.

THE MOMENT THE PAIN STARTED TO LEAVE MY BODY, WAS WHEN I DEEPLY ACCEPTED, AND TRUSTED, THAT THIS WAS EXACTLY WHERE I NEEDED TO BE 🙂

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.