Do you feel the desire to take care of/please others, while also experiencing the fear of not pleasing them?

The people-pleaser part really wants to make people happy by complying, but this part is also afraid that if it doesn’t please, others will become angry, judgmental, or withdraw. This part doesn’t stop to consider whether or not it really wants to do it! The people pleaser just wants to protect your system from being judged or rejected, and typically isn’t even aware of this.

On the other side of the coin, the passive aggressive part feels like people are demanding, pushy, or telling you what to do, making the passive-aggressive part even more resentful when the pleaser-part says, “yes” and gives in! The pleaser-part is fearful of what would happen if you expressed your anger in a direct way.

If you’re acting out a passive-aggressive pattern, there’s most likely an unconscious part of you that’s resentful and defiant, part of you may be irritated by how much you give in to someone. On a deeper level, we’re dealing with disowned anger, and the belief you don’t have the right to be angry or defiant, so those feelings go underground.

You may seem to act in agreeable ways, but you may add a mean little twist to your behavior that hurts the other person. People close to you may be frustrated or confused by your actions. For example, you consciously forgot to “do that thing someone asked you to do,” but your passive-aggressive part did it on purpose to punish/get back at that person — in retaliation to them trying to restrict you! Instead of bringing up your concerns directly, you’ll delay a response, or not respond at all, causing others to feel rejected or deprived because they can’t get what they want from you.

It isn’t easy to know that you have this pattern, because it’s often unconscious. The pleaser and the passive aggressor are typically at odds with each other, conflicted about the best way to deal with things. The pleaser takes charge when asked to do something, while the passive-aggressor takes charge later by acting out in indirect revenge.

It’s pretty common to have a relationship between a passive-aggressive person and a controlling person, each pattern feeds into the other. You may be initially attracted to someone with a controlling pattern because it fits well with the tendency to please others. You my find yourself resenting the loss of your autonomy, and then act out in unconscious ways to get your autonomy back. (Further exasperating your partners controlling pattern, so on and so fourth).

*Collected notes from Internal Family Systems studies